4 min read
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Teachers, I get it your shit sucks.
We know because we were chasing and wrangling minions while trying to keep our own shit shows going at home this Spring and Summer too. But I’m looking at this supply list and thinking about shit...
Am I the only mom, Mother Punker, that is looking at the school supply list and thinking 🤔 'you’re going to get what’s left from last year'?
Where did the 29 boxes of Kleenex and 13 containers of bleach wipes go that I dropped off last Fall? Because that shit did NOT come home.
I’m over here on a budget and thinking:
I have 2,000 glue sticks sitting here that are perfectly fine but they are not the “disappearing purple” sticks that are being requested for a 3rd grader. Does the regular-ass glue stick not disappear like the magical purple ones?
Also, why does a 5th grader all of a sudden need a stylus for an iPad? I feel like that is sending us on a "Where’s Waldo" quest of the impossible. It’s called an Apple Pencil and it is NOT in the budget for this season for my 10-year-old, frens. Or it is also called a FINGER!! It's free and most of us have 10 on us at all times.
50 folders are required but they can’t be red or blue. I’m staring at a stack of brand new Red and Blue folders... 👀 I have cans of spray paint in orange and black. Let’s craft kids... stay tuned for a new How To Do Shit with your Kids YouTube tutorial soon. JK
If they’re going to be home over half the week, why do I need to get special colored folders and notebooks? They are only going to be sent home and never looked at again after we are told: “school is now going to distance learning only”.
Also, I’m wondering why kids are rewarded with character pencils from teachers, but those cannot be used for the school supplies? We have 2,973 Paw Patrol and Princess pencils! I will sharpen those fuckers and put them in a pencil box for you. I'm cool with that.
I’m thinking about sharpening all character pencils and sending them with a note: "We are saving the Earth and shopping small by minimizing our purchases from Big Box stores. Our exception was this box of wine, please accept this as our formal apology."
Every year, I see colored pencils on that list. And for the life of me, I don’t think I’ve seen one thing come home with colored pencils used, after the 1st grade... same goes for a 5th grader and a brand new box of crayons...
You guys, I just went through last year's pencil box, and Frankenstein-ed 6 crayons together to finish out that wrecked 2019 model of the 48 crayon pack from last year. Slapped some gift-wrap tape around the box for a fresh new packaging look. Plus, bonus feature, that shit won't fall out into the backpack. Just thinking this repurposing shit all the way through.
Can we all agree that pencil topper erasers work about as good as face masks at curing COVID? The only use for pencil top erasers is for shoving up your nose to make goofy faces but this year that won’t happen because they’ll be busy blowing their nose into their mask instead.
The kindergarteners are required to send multiple boxes of gallon-sized ziplock bags. I sure AF hope they put those to use, and teach the kids “Freezer Meal Prep 101” and send home pre-clipped coupons for the local Vodka Castle.
I also love the note at the top of the list "Don't forget to label EVERYTHING." This is where you insert the imagery of every single mom on Earth getting out sharpies and writing "Owen's Fucking Pencil" on 632 Paw Patrol pencils.
Also, if my minions are assigned busywork just to keep them busy on distance learning days, well, I’m replacing that work with Home Economics. We will be studying the practical application of Windex to glass paired with the power of Wax On and Wax Off, Daniel Son commands.
On a normal year, I’m usually a little more forgiving and understanding... This year I’m not so much. I don’t want to run to 5 different stores to get the supplies... dragging minions along... wearing masks 🙄 Hunting for the impossible items that are random and completely sold out in my area.
At this point, I am seriously contemplating sending that damn brown paper bag that came home in the Spring labeled “Evan Grade 4” back with the 4 crossed out and remarked with “5” plus adding - He is extremely proficient in eye rolls and a-hole manifesto. Bag contents will be the same shit dumped from his grade 4 desk into the bag. It’ll sort itself out.
Other random things that top our school supply list:
PS. Those tiny shitty handheld pencil “sharpeners” are about as useful as the pencil toppers...
PPS I’m not all hippie n shit but I do like to reduce and reuse. I’d much rather have more money for Tacos, Vodka drinks, and pool parties.
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